This is my found poem from the "Guardian of Health"
Avoidance
avoid all accidents and illness
functional
brain damage
what should be done
in a weak spot
relief is not given
pale
pink
reddish
oranges
violently
strawberries
flesh foods
sometimes
swelling
sometimes
swallowing
bland
a failure
avoid all excitement and stimulants
irritation
pain and smarting
injections are recommended
danger and distress
then
gradually subsiding
i'm sorry, J. for so many reasons. the lateness of these comments. the storm that's abrewing beyond my window. the fact that i won't likely get my Canada Council grant application in on time this evening. and, most of all, the lack of constructive feedback i can offer for this found poem.
ReplyDeletethe accumulation of colours and sudden move to violence feels right, as does strawberries. the hues and strawberries create a mood of vulnerability that contrasts that word: violently. are the strawberries being violent or the violated? that ambiguity is perfect. and strawberries gives the poem (Robertson-style) at least one solid, concrete, real, physical something to ground the otherwise abstract notions throughout.
here's one idea...
what would you think about playing with the geography of s's near the centre of the poem, so that the lines become swollen, but also the secondary words emerge more clearly? what do i mean? something like this:
sometime
s
s
welling
OR
sometime
s
wallowing
in Word or photoshop, the line spacing could even be tightened a bit, so that the two words almost amalgamate. maybe!
the repetition of commands at the beginning and ending provides a nice return to that imperative tone. almost feels like the poem could be longer, or part of a series wherein each poem takes a precautionary stance/warning (avoid, be sure, take two pills, abstain, wash your hands, etc).
sultimately, here's what i love about this piece: at first, i assumed that avoidance would protect against the suggested dangers or violences, but by the end and 3rd or 4th read, i began to question whether or not AVOIDANCE is just another type of danger/distress that leads to isolation, doubt, failure, rotting? very right on!
okay, the spacing didn't work on my exampling, but the s's should appearing as between the two words in your poem above, almost like superscript or subscript... ya hey oh say okay no? sorry!
Delete